Saturday, 21 April 2012

Shadow of gloom

When I recall my childhood, I always feel that, I had missed my childhood sweet retentions, and beautiful life of a child. It was very pathetic in my life as it went on with limited happiness, sharing, wants and desires. I always think of ‘first deserve then desire’. It was very true in my life too. I didn’t crave anything in my life. My poor parents struggled a lot to bring their progenies. Being the youngest in their chain I got little concession and affections from my beloved parents. So only I found a way to come out of it, to ran away from home after school life. As every child I too fantasized a lavish, free life in my future. I hope to fly like a dove. Fortunately I got a chance to visit Bombay after my secondary education. When I landed in the economic city of our country, I never thought that, I will become the part of ‘ Aamchi Mumbai’. People of the Big City welcomed me in their fold; I too became the part of the speedy life in Mumbai. The people, language, culture and custom, food and fantasies all influenced so much in my life. Slowly I merged with the city life. I love to be here in my future. Each and every place attracted me a lot. So I planned to set my rest of the life in Mumbai. I got all support from my relatives, friends, and colleagues and last not least, the blessings from almighty God. I always wish my lofty soul to be dedicated to the service of God. The church and the people of our community helped me to nurture in the spiritual activities and my personal growth through the service of church. 
I was a person of rigorous discipline in life.  That too is learned from my seminary life. I always like to be alone and liked a lonely life. I kept a distance for any relation with my friends and relatives. Many of them came across in my life for a short span of time. I treated everyone with courtesy and kind heart. But I learned an important lesson that, ‘do not trust anyone with your wholehearted’. I inspired by writings of Kamala Das ( Madhavikutty- well known Malayalam poet and writer) , that, to speak from your heart, but still I am scared of open my heart in public. As a writer she became famous and her aptitude of writings known to the people, and they accepted. She lived without fear in public. But for me, I am little reserved and not open to people. I don’t find any one so far I can share with, other than God, so most of the time I like to be alone. That’s the reason may be I like darkness, than the light. But I enjoyed each and every moment in my life. Lot of friends from various directions poked me on my sad days, on line networking sites given me a couple of good relations but the virtual bodies sometimes turn to a dark spot in my life too. So I couldn’t fix any one in my heart. I enjoyed my professional life very much. Teaching and interacting with kids have given me a cherished mind in all time. That’s the reason why I couldn’t grow in corporate life of Mumbai. I witnessed lot of ups and downs in people around me. That all taught me few lessons also. But I have my own philosophy, own decision and own stand in anything related to my personal. I don’t allow anyone to infringe in my personal matter. This also lead to some of the unpleasant circumstances with some of my relatives and family people in past. But I know what I did and what I am going to do. Many of them are interested in your matter, but their own glitches they ignore. They don’t see the pole on their eyes but they find the dust in other’s eyes. One thing I realized, if you want to win in your life, you have to be sincere and candid to yourself. If you try, you can fly in high. Trust in God, because HE is the one who know about you and your past, present and future. I hope, being a shadow of God, he might smudge the shadow of gloom from me.

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